We all know everyday is a day is a day to be thankful, but ESPECIALLY on holidays like Thanksgiving. It’s a designated time of year, for family, good food, laughter, and cheer, but unbeknownst to some the holiday season can be one of the lonliest times of the year.
2020 has been something of a disaster for most, everyone has been affected by COVID 19, in some way shape or form, whether it’s been the lost of a family member, friend, job, certain freedoms, or faith in a brighter future.
The tragedy is there. The sadness is there, the depression, and the stress is there, and it’s not just going to go away because of our regularly scheduled holiday programming.
For many, the holidays are a great time for families to travel, gather, and reunite, but there are some of us, who simply just can’t relate, and instead it becomes a large mirror forcing you to reflect on what you don’t or didn’t have.
Growing up, even before my mother passed, we didn’t celebrate holidays or have large gatherings. Everyday was the same, there was no holiday spirit or Christmas cheer, it just wasn’t in our system of beliefs; but there was church, it seems like there was always time for that…
It’s no wonder that after she died, what was “left” of the family fell apart.
I don’t blame my brother and sister who were young adults at the time of her passing, so many years living under strict rule, going to a place of worship your mom devoted her time and life to, but yet it didn’t save hers.
My mother passed a month after I turned 11. I have no idea what the last words I ever said to her, I don’t think at the time I realized that she wouldn’t be coming back. Things were very lonely after that.
There was no one there to build or lift me up, or teach me how to be a respectable lady, and warn me not to rush. I mean there again was always church, which seemed a blessing and a curse. Now there was no mom, no sister, no brother, but there was dad who had to sit all the way on the other side of the church
At a young age it taught me that in short amounts of time anything could change, and that sitting down, and being quiet was possibly the best or only thing I could do in life.
I guess that’s why I was in such a rush to grow up. I wanted love and affection from someone else.
I did not love myself and because of it, it vastly changed the direction of my life. With someone, just to be with them, no matter the outcome or cost, and it certainly did cost me lot, my livelihood, my mental, emotional health, the list goes on… it’s a price I’m still paying, a deep wound that’s still healing, a massive dark hole that I am still digging, and climbing out.
On some days it’s easier, on days like thanksgiving, birthdays, and Christmas it’s not. While everyone is coming together to take part in the holiday cheer, laugh, eat, and smile, it’s a reminder of what I failed to produce, and the cozy childhood I never got.
But I am grateful, and thankful, nonetheless.
It reminds me to cherish the moments with the little ones who are dear to my heart. If you’re feeling down in the dumps this holiday, just know you aren’t alone. Everyone is going through something. This year, has been a year like no other. Remember to be gentle with yourself.